Published: The Hindu
On: May 26, 2010
At: Hyderabad, India
To read The Hindu's online version, click here.
It is Rahul’s first day back at work since the death of a family member two weeks ago. His colleague Prasad sees him coming down the hallway toward him and panics. What is he going to say? What if Rahul completely breaks down? Prasad dodges into the nearest cubicle and hides till Rahul has walked by. Sounds familiar?
There are many Prasads and Rahuls at every workplace. When you spend most of your waking hours at work than at home, you may become close like an extended family. Everyone’s response to personal loss is unique.
Part of helping a grieving colleague is to understand that the stages of grief are a natural part of the mourning process.
There are five stages of grief: Disbelief -’This can’t be happening to me’, Longing - desire to be with the deceased, Anger - ’Why me?’, Depression- overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and Acceptance -accepting the loss. Research shows that the stages of grief last approximately six months. Usually, after this time period grieving is less.
Help the colleague
Find practical ways to help. Possibly, you could request your manager to give your colleague’s share of work to you. However, if the person finds work therapeutic then do not lighten his load. If you are close to this person, make an offer to run little errands to ease his tension from small but irritating factors.
Patience and understanding is need of the hour. The grieving process takes time and the person cannot come out of it immediately.
Be present. Remember, your presence is important. Let your colleague know you are there to listen, talk or be of any other assistance he requires. Words of sympathy are often not enough. Perhaps, a big hug or a squeeze of the hand is needed.
Encourage him to take a walk, or join some activity with you, and spend some time together.
It is unreasonable to expect your colleague to give his best performance. He may experience difficulty in concentrating or his frustration can affect his productivity and efficiency.
Guidelines
Acknowledge the colleague’s grief. Let him know you recognise the magnitude of his loss.
If you know your colleague casually, you can send a sympathy card, note or flowers as a way to extend your condolences. Sending condolence by email is another contemporary way to acknowledge the death. It is not necessary to ask questions about how the death happened.
Let the bereaved tell you as much as he wants. Allow him to take the lead when he is ready.
Avoid platitudes like, “Life is for living”, or, “It’s God’s will”. Such explanations rarely console mourners. It is inappropriate to use cliches like “I know how it feels”. The fact is that you don’t know. Focus on your colleague rather than yourself.
In such moments, it is not unusual for your past grief to come up. Keep your personal feelings aside. Try to keep the ‘why’ and ‘should’ out of your conversation. Also, don’t allow your facial expressions, body language, or gestures to give away your judgmental thoughts.
Become comfortable with silence. There is no need to fill up every moment with conversation. Quiet time together can be golden. As time goes by, listen to your colleague frequently. Do not discourage him to talk about the deceased.
Accept the feelings expressed. He could be angry with providence, deceased person or just anyone. It’s inappropriate to say, “You should not say that”, “You should not feel like that”. Do not hesitate to encourage him to go for counselling if the need arises.
Watch out for signs like weight-loss, depression or talks of extreme actions. Recognise and respect your colleague’s boundaries. Back off at his closed doors and silence in conversation.
Finally, be open to your colleague’s need and make frequent contacts when required. Your colleague will do better when he or she feels cared for and supported by you.
Walking through the difficult terrain of grief is not easy, but recognise grieving is as much part of wellness as it is of life.
On: May 26, 2010
At: Hyderabad, India
To read The Hindu's online version, click here.
It is Rahul’s first day back at work since the death of a family member two weeks ago. His colleague Prasad sees him coming down the hallway toward him and panics. What is he going to say? What if Rahul completely breaks down? Prasad dodges into the nearest cubicle and hides till Rahul has walked by. Sounds familiar?
There are many Prasads and Rahuls at every workplace. When you spend most of your waking hours at work than at home, you may become close like an extended family. Everyone’s response to personal loss is unique.
Part of helping a grieving colleague is to understand that the stages of grief are a natural part of the mourning process.
There are five stages of grief: Disbelief -’This can’t be happening to me’, Longing - desire to be with the deceased, Anger - ’Why me?’, Depression- overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and Acceptance -accepting the loss. Research shows that the stages of grief last approximately six months. Usually, after this time period grieving is less.
Help the colleague
Find practical ways to help. Possibly, you could request your manager to give your colleague’s share of work to you. However, if the person finds work therapeutic then do not lighten his load. If you are close to this person, make an offer to run little errands to ease his tension from small but irritating factors.
Patience and understanding is need of the hour. The grieving process takes time and the person cannot come out of it immediately.
Be present. Remember, your presence is important. Let your colleague know you are there to listen, talk or be of any other assistance he requires. Words of sympathy are often not enough. Perhaps, a big hug or a squeeze of the hand is needed.
Encourage him to take a walk, or join some activity with you, and spend some time together.
It is unreasonable to expect your colleague to give his best performance. He may experience difficulty in concentrating or his frustration can affect his productivity and efficiency.
Guidelines
Acknowledge the colleague’s grief. Let him know you recognise the magnitude of his loss.
If you know your colleague casually, you can send a sympathy card, note or flowers as a way to extend your condolences. Sending condolence by email is another contemporary way to acknowledge the death. It is not necessary to ask questions about how the death happened.
Let the bereaved tell you as much as he wants. Allow him to take the lead when he is ready.
Avoid platitudes like, “Life is for living”, or, “It’s God’s will”. Such explanations rarely console mourners. It is inappropriate to use cliches like “I know how it feels”. The fact is that you don’t know. Focus on your colleague rather than yourself.
In such moments, it is not unusual for your past grief to come up. Keep your personal feelings aside. Try to keep the ‘why’ and ‘should’ out of your conversation. Also, don’t allow your facial expressions, body language, or gestures to give away your judgmental thoughts.
Become comfortable with silence. There is no need to fill up every moment with conversation. Quiet time together can be golden. As time goes by, listen to your colleague frequently. Do not discourage him to talk about the deceased.
Accept the feelings expressed. He could be angry with providence, deceased person or just anyone. It’s inappropriate to say, “You should not say that”, “You should not feel like that”. Do not hesitate to encourage him to go for counselling if the need arises.
Watch out for signs like weight-loss, depression or talks of extreme actions. Recognise and respect your colleague’s boundaries. Back off at his closed doors and silence in conversation.
Finally, be open to your colleague’s need and make frequent contacts when required. Your colleague will do better when he or she feels cared for and supported by you.
Walking through the difficult terrain of grief is not easy, but recognise grieving is as much part of wellness as it is of life.
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